Kagura and Ritsu sittin in a Bush, KISSIN Ush
by Tuki the Monopoly Giant
Summary: Kagura and Ritsu and Ritsu find Kyo and Tohru saying their 'I love you's and very strange things happen. Chapter 4 is up. KaguraXRitsu
1. Magic in the Bushes

Story by Agent Spikyflower and Tuki the Monopoly Giant

Pairings: Kagura + Ritsu, Tohru + Kyou

Kagura and Kyou break up. Kagura chooses Ritsu. Kyou chooses Tohru!!

Kagura finished eating dinner at Shigure's and was just about to walk through the woods when soft music began to play. Curious about the source Kagura followed the sound to a small clearing. She peered through the bushes to see Kyou with his arm around Tohru. Kagura spotted a VERY small boom-box softly playing romantic music beside the log that they were sitting on.

**Ritsu was walking by Shigure's house when he decided to pop in and have a little visit. Although the dog teased him a great deal, he felt that seeing Tohru would be worth the agony. She was always so sweet and understanding. He pricked up his ears. Soft, light music wafted his way.**

**Oooh, nice music, he thought.**

**So he wandered off in the direction of the sound. After all, whoever played it had such great taste in music that they were sure to be nice.**

Instead of attacking Tohru, like she would any other girl who was so intimate with her kitty, she quietly waited for what would happen next. Kyou leaned closer to Tohru and whispered in her ear. Kagura strained to hear what he said.

**Ritsu came up behind Kagura.**

**"What's going on?" he murmured. "Why are you in a bush?"**

**"Why are you whispering?" she countered. "And shut up, will you? I'm trying to hear what THEY'RE saying." She pointed at the cat and rice ball.**

**"I'M SOOOORRY! I'M SOOOOO SOOORRY FOR RUINING YOUR AUDIO!"**

**"Shut UP!" she hissed and covered his mouth with her hand.**

**"All right."**

She turned her head back to the scene that lay before them. Kyou stopped whispering and started murmuring. Kagura listened intently.

"Tohru, I love you. I always have, I always will." Crooned Kyou.

"Oh Kyou, I love you too." Tohru replied. Kagura choked silently and fumed 'Why is he doing this to me? What have I done to upset him? Why does he…..How can he………What did I do wrong?'

**"My, don't they look cute together," Ritsu observed.**

**"SHUUUUT UPPPPP…."**

**"I'M SOOOOORRY! I'M SOOOO SOOOORRY! I AM A COMPLETE AND TOTAL FAILURE! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FORGIVE…**

**"I SAID, shut up!"**

**Tohru perked up. "I think I just heard something…"**

**"The sound of my pounding heart," gushed Kyou and kissed her passionately. But without hugging, of course, as that would've been awkward.**

**They left, holding hands.**

**"AAAAGH! THWARTED!"**

**"Calm yourself, Kagura-san. They were meant to be."**

**"SHUT UP, YOU! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO COME ACROSS ME TONIGHT IN THE FIRST PLACE? YOU'RE ONLY ADDING TO MY PAIN!" she screamed and began to strangle the poor little monkey.**

Shigure and Ayame finished drinking their teaand started to walk down the narrow path through the forest when the sound of romantic music led them off the trail. They followed the sound for a little while but Ayame fell into a bush which ironically was the one that Kagura was strangling Ritsu in. Ayame picked himself up and both he and Shigure took in the scene. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Squealed Shigure excitedly "Romance!"

Kagura hit him heavily across the head while Ayame started to sing, "Kagura and Ritsu, Sittin' in a bush! K-I-S-S-I-N Ush! Owwwww! Kagura!" He whined "Don't hit me like that! It hurts!"

"It should!" Kagura fumed.

**"And besides, there was nothing between us," Ritsu explained.**

**"Or was there?" Kagura smiled coyly at him.**

**"Ooooh no…"**

**She gave him a passionate kiss and embrace. "After all, we're very alike."**

**"Gotta get a picture of this," Shigure muttered to Ayame. "Hatori is never going to believe it. Send it around, maybe. To Hiro. I know he has a cell phone. And being the mischievous little brat he is, I know he'll show it to all of the juunishi."**

**"What makes you think I won't?" Ayame pouted, but snapped the picture anyway, just after Kagura started to take off Ritsu's shirt…**

**"OK, I'm leaving," Shigure said and turned his back to give the lovers privacy. Ayame continued to watch and taped the whole thing with his phone.**

The next morning Kagura woke up wondering if it was all a dream or if it had really happened. She turned to find a more comfortable spot when she realized that she was lying in a shrubbery next to a shirtless Ritsu. Kagura figured that they had fallen asleep partway through their "charade". Ritsu stirred and Kagura sat bolt upright wondering whether she should run or stay. She didn't know if what had happened was a spur of the moment impulse or if she actually had feeling for the man next to her. Too late. Ritsu sat up and rubbed his eyes sleepily. He saw Kagura sitting next to him and nearly screamed "I'M SOOO SORRY KAGURA! I WOKE YOU UP AND AM GUILTY! ONLY DIVINE PUNISHMENT WILL DO!"

"Shut up you stupid monkey!" Kagura muttered before pinning him to the ground so he couldn't run up to the top of some building or mountain and try to hurtle himself off. She found herself in a very new position.

**Ritsu had very little idea of what to do in this particular situation. Here he was with a girl that used to be just an acquaintance, the boar of the Zodiac. Heck, he didn't think that they were even technically compatible. I've got to check with Ayame about that, he thought.**

**"Er, could you get off me?" he politely asked Kagura. "Unless you want to do something?"**

**"HELL NO!" she screamed and ran off into the rising sun.**

**"DID I OFFEND YOU? I'M SOOOOOORREEEEEEE!"**

**But she was already gone. He calmly got up, put on a shirt and went to go find Ayame. He needed advice on the astrology thing badly. Also, he needed a new dress and he saw that Ayame had some pretty ones in the shop's window.**

Kagura was so very confused. She didn't know whether she cared for Ritsu or if she cared for Kyou at this point. Also she needed to go see Ayame and make sure that he didn't actually send the recording to anyone. After all she didn't know whose hands it could get into. She shuddered at the thought of what could happen if it fell into Akito's hands. She raced home as fast as she could, changed her clothes and headed to Ayame's. She tried to stay calm but broke out into a run as she neared the shop. She ran up and …………..ran into the pull door. She was dazed a bit but, realizing her mistake, opened the door and went into the dress store. And ran straight into Ayame who was dancing around to a polka played on his own accordion. "I didn't know that you can play the accordion!" Kagura exclaimed excitedly.

"Of course I can!" Ayame proudly stated. "There are only 3 men in this world that can play the accordion so well. And of course number 1 among them is none other than myself."

**"Then why don't you play it more often?" she demanded. "I'm sure lots of people will be glad to…"**

**She stopped dead in the middle of her sentence and stared.**

**Part 2 will come! Eventually!**


	2. French Male servant in a dress!

**French Male Servant in a Dress!**

** Standing in front of her was Ritsu in a little French maid outfit, complete with fishnet tights.**

**"Does it work on me?" he asked. "Or does it make my butt look too big?"**

**"Ummm…"**

**"She thinks you're stunning, Ritsu my dear!" Ayame grinned, still playing his accordion. "So buy the outfit forthwith! For half price, since you're family!"**

**"Yes, it's great," Kagura reluctantly mumbled. "Very fetching."**

**"Yaaaaay!" Ritsu beamed, flouncing out of the shop. **

"Oh my! He flounced out in the dress without paying!" squealed Ayame "Could you possibly pay for the dress now then get him to pay you back for it Kagura?"

"Um, I guess so. Here, how much did it cost?" asked Kagura. Where she got the reply she went into a rant. "What on earth does he need a dress that expensive for? Why would he buy a French-maid dress with fishnet tights!" Ayame smoothly slipped that he had bought it for a special someone. "But did he buy it for the special someone or to wear for the special someone? Who is the special someone anyway?"

"Maybe you should ask him for yourself. After all you've got to get the money from him sometime." Ayame suggested.

"I'll do just that!" Kagura exclaimed.

**Ritsu stood in front of a window, admiring his pretty new dress. He wondered if he put his hair in sort of a loose low bun it'd work with the dress.**

**Several men walked by and whistled. Ritsu wondered if they realized he was male. Probably not, though.**

**Kagura walked up behind him and screamed, "PAY FOR YOUR OWN DRESS NEXT TIME, YOU STUPID MONKEY!" She was seething with rage and the tearful monkey could almost see steam coming out her ears.**

**"OOOOH NOOOOO! I'MMMM SOOOO SOOORRY! HOW MUCH MONEY DO I OWE YOU?"**

**"Six hundred dollars and not a penny less. Now pay up."**

**"But I haven't got that much money!"**

**"So take the dress back, idiot. And who was it for, anyway? Yourself or 'someone special'? And if so, who is the 'someone special'?"**

**"Yourself, Kagura-chan," he smiled and gave a little twirl. "Do you like it?"**

**"You bought that thing for ME?"**

**"Indirectly. I thought that you would like me to wear it for you as your humble servant."**

"Servant? All right! Wahhooooooo! I've got a servant! A French male servant in a dress! WhooP WhoOp!"

"Does that mean that you're happy or upset with me? I'M SORRY! I'VE UPSET YOU AND NOW YOU HATE ME! I MUST RID THE WORLD OF MY USELESS SELF!"

"I'm happy of course, DON'T KILL YOURSELF! Anyone who randomly gets a servant has got to be happy about it."


	3. Pasta and Carmen

Chapter 3

**"And now," Kagura said happily, "we must 'go out' to celebrate your servant-ship."**

**"Is servant-ship a word?"**

**"Well, I said it so it must be."**

**"And where would we go out?"**

**"I was hoping you'd know." They sat. And thought. For about an hour-ish. Finally Ritsu came up with an idea.**

**"We could go out for pasta and go see 'Carmen'. It's on at the theatre…"**

**"Wait, do you mean movies or actual live theatre, with real actors and stuff?"**

**"The latter."**

**So they went and had pasta at "Caleb's Italian Restaurant".**

They walked in the door and were quickly and efficiently ignored. After about 10 minutes the manager (Caleb) came up to them and asked them why they were just standing in the doorway. They replied that no one had asked them to take a seat or to find a seat. "What? I thought I asked Sydni to take care of anyone who came in! Sydni! Did I not ask you to take care of anyone who came in?"

"No Pinky-poo, you didn't."

"I've told you a thousand times not to call me PINKY-POO! I am not Pinky-Poo and you know it! Now serve these people or I'll fire you like a hot knife through butter!"

"Pinky-Poo, you don't make sense. But I'll get right to it! See you later Pinky-Poo!"

**"Pinky-Poo? Is that a professional managing term?" Kagura muttered to the stupefied monkey.**

**"Dunno…"**

**"Hello, I'm Sydni and I'll be your server today. The special is… well, I have absolutely no idea what the special is but have a decent meal anyway and try not to get food poisoning. The paperwork… Don't want to have to deal with that again. So, what would you like?"**

**Kagura hadn't been paying attention to a word the disgruntled server had said, but simply asked, "Are you a chimney elf? You know, I don't think I've ever seen one before. Is your chimney nice?"**

**"I… am… NOT… a… chimney… elf…," Sydni said, gritting her teeth. "So, what would you like?"**

**"Noodles," Ritsu said cheerily.**

**"Yes, but what KIND of noodles?"**

**"Noodley noodles."**

**"OK, so this lady will have 'noodley noodles' and what will the other person have?"**

**"Dunno. Are you a chimney elf? And Ritsu's a guy."**

**Sydni gritted her teeth again. If this kept up, she'd have to get dentures within an hour.**

**"So what do you want?"**

**"Same as he's having."**

**"So 'noodley noodles' for both of you? All right."**

**The meal finally arrived. The noodles were as noodley as noodles could possibly be, with no sauce.**

**"Thank you," Ritsu said to Sydni. "Now, about what Kagura said- Are you really a chimney elf?"**

**"NO! I AM NOT A CHIMNEY ELF! AND ANYONE WHO SAYS SO MUST BE A RAVING LUNATIC!" She jumped on Ritsu and attacked him.**

"I'm SOOOORRRRRYYYYYYYYY! This is ALL my fault! I'm the one who ordered the NOODLEY NOODLES! I'm SOOOORRRRRYYYYY!"

"Ritsu! Shut Up! We both ordered the noodley noodles. And it's not anyones fault that our waitress is a Chimney Elf." Kagura scolded. They left very VERY quickly due to a very angry Chimney Elf.

"Come again!" Caleb called after the pair.

"Sure we will Pinky-Poo." They both chanted. A muffled scream of disgust could be heard quite easily.

Then they went to go to the theatre. They walked down the street and passed many shops and restaurants and shops such as………………Caleb's seafood palace, Caleb's laundromat, Caleb's used flamethrower store. Ummmmmmmmm……….

A man in dark clothing leaped out of the door with a woman who was carrying a very large and powerful flamethrower. "Don't anybody move!" yelled the man. He was short and had evil looking eyebrows. "Or we'll torch you!" yelled the woman carrying the flamethrower. She had swamp water green eyes protected with a pair of sportish wrap around glasses. Ritsu went into his usual panic and ran around in circles screaming "I'm sooooooooooo SORRY! I am so much trouble. I…"(You get the point).

The woman pulled the trigger to the flamethrower but all it did was make a quacking noise. "Stupid duck-o-matic flamthrowers!" The man yelled, his eyebrows twitching wildly. Both the man and the woman re-entered the store and demanded for a refund. Ritsu and Kagura took off down the street.

**Things seemed to go (more or less) smoothly after that little incident. There was one minor problem after Ritsu had failed to pay for their tickets with the correct change but that quickly sorted itself out.**

**They were a little late for the play/opera thingy to start but that was OK as the acting troupe was a bit behind schedule anyway. Right in front of them was a little boy, talking animatedly on his cell phone, and a little girl with vivid orange hair.**

**"This is terrible!" Kagura hissed.**

**"What?"**

**"Kisa and Hiro are sitting in front of us!"**

**"OOOOH NOOOO! I'MMM SOOOO SOOOORRY! WE SHOULD NEVER HAVE COME HERE! IT'S ALL MYYYY FAUUULT FOR SUGGESTING IT!"**

**"Shut UP! You're making a scene!"**

**And indeed, everyone in the theatre was staring at them. Except for Kisa and Hiro, who were, of course, kissing.**

**The play started. Hiro was singing along.**

**"Toreador-ah, don't spit on the floor-ah, use the cuspidor-ah, that's-ah what its for-ah."**

"Ahhh, that's sooo cute!" Kagura squealed into Ritsu's ear. "Good thing I brought my taperecorder that I bought at 'Caleb's store of stuff that you don't need'. But it's strange. I need to use this recorder. Maybe I should go back later to get a free refund." Kagura started to Record Hiro's singing.

"Why! If it isn't Kagura and Ritsu! Our two love birds out on a date."

"Ayame! What are you doing here?" Kagura yelled, getting them kicked out of the play. "Why on earth are you stalking me and my slave!"

"Ahhhh! Slave is it? Not boyfriend?"

"Well……….maybe boyfriend." Ritsu said with a touch of hopefulness in his voice.

"What! Not on your life! What made you think that?"

"I'm SOOOO SOOOORRRY! IT'S ALL MY FAULT FOR SUGGESTING THAT! IS MY FAULT FOR MAKING THE SUGGESTION OF COMING TO THIS PLAY! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!" Ritsu wailed, making everyone in the audience turn, including Hiro and Kisa.

**The next day, Kagura and Ritsu were sitting side-by-side on a large swing, not speaking to each other. Both agreed on one thing- the previous night had been a complete fiasco. They had been thrown out of the theatre onto the dark and forbidding streets. Neither had a great sense of direction so they were forced to ask an old homeless guy for directions. He merely shrugged and waved a broken beer bottle drunkenly at them.**

**At about 3 am, they finally arrived home and promptly passed out.**

**So here they were, not speaking, not complaining, not freaking out, and waiting for some sort of divine intervention.**

**Boy, this is the pits, thought Kagura.**

**Maybe tomorrow would be a better day.**


	4. Moving in

Chapter 4

The next morning Kagura woke up and started to fix breakfast. She fried some eggs, burnt them, made some bacon, burnt it, called Ritsu and had him make her breakfast instead. She munched happily on the French-toast and commented that maybe Ritsu should move in with her so he could make her meals.

"Are you serious? You want me to move in?" Ritsu was astonished "but moving in would be a hassle and that would make you tired. Oh no! I made you tired! I'M SORRY! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! I MADE YOU TIRED AND……." Kagura clamped her hand over his mouth to stop the on flow of words.

"Ritsu! It wouldn't be a problem. And plus, then I wouldn't have to try to cook anymore! Plus, do you ever see a servant that doesn't live in the same house as their master? I don't think so."

**"So, are you ready to confront the truth of our relationship and tell the family?"**

**"What relationship?" Kagura smirked and finished her French toast. "You're my servant. Nothing more. At the moment, anyway."**

**Pretty soon a U-Haul truck pulled up with the entirety of Ritsu's possessions stuffed in two cardboard boxes in the back. The driver, Fred, dropped off the boxes in front of the house and was about to leave when Ritsu said, "I thought I only had one box. Where'd the other come from?"**

**Fred's face lit up with comprehension. "Aaaah, that's right. One of those boxes is mine."**

**"So how do we tell which one's which?" Kagura asked.**

**"Easy enough. Just open them." Fred pawed around in the glove compartment for a while then seemed to find whatever it was he was looking for. Relieved, the monkey began to open a box. When he saw that it contained dresses, he shouted, "This one's mine!"**

**Fred grinned, said, "Good," and then asked Ritsu to open the other box. He picked up a rifle from the truck's passenger seat and waited. A large mallard duck flew out of the box in question. Ritsu jumped back, startled.**

**After waiting calmly for a bit, Fred shot the duck.**

**"Why did you shoot it?" Kagura squealed.**

**"It is my destiny. I have been fated to shoot ducks since the beginning of time. I am a duck hunter."**

Fred picked up the duck and carried it back to the truck. But just before he put it inside the back, the duck squawked and flew out of Fred's arms. It started to fly away at a slow gait and Ritsu wailed "IT'S ALL MY FAULT! I COULDN'T STOP THE DUCK! I'M SOOOOOOOOO SORRY!" Fred poked Ritsu's side and Ritsu fell to the ground.

"Don't worry about the duck. I never get it. It always gets away and it has a very good medical plan." Fred sighed then climbed into his truck and waved to the girl and crumpled figure on the ground before starting up his truck and driving away.

Kagura picked Ritsu up and gave him the box to carry inside. She led him to the kitchen and told him to wait there. She went to a random closet and opened it. Out fell numerous coats and hangers. Kagura picked herself up and went to the next random closet. This time numerous boxes of instant macaroni fell out. Kagura side-stepped the falling projectiles and reached into the closet. She found a cot and took it back to the kitchen where Ritsu was sitting quietly. They set up the cot in the corner and started to unpack Ritsu's clothing which consisted of mainly dresses but also had a few pairs of pants and shirts.

**Meanwhile, back at the dress shop:**

**Ayame cackled as he sorted through the sweet, sweet photos on his computer. **

**This was soooo priceless.**

**"Now, I must send a copy to each of the Sohmas and tell them to forward it to every single one of their contacts."**

**He paused, musing for a bit.**

**"But Kagura and Ritsu are perhaps not the most intriguing couple, if I do **

**say so myself. There is the slightest possibility that no-one will care." He almost started to sob, and then had a brainwave. "What if I could doctor this so that it's Kagura and Yuki? Although somewhat **

**un-attached to her, Kyou would be furious, being the controlling type." Then he realized he had no idea how to doctor photos. Damn. Brainwave #2: "I ought to take these to Shigure! He could surely do it! Yes, I must take **

**them there forthwith!"**

**And without a second thought he pranced out the door.**

**Not ten minutes after he left, Kagura stormed in, Ritsu in tow. "WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, AYAME?" she screamed. Ritsu, meanwhile, returned the French maid outfit. He'd discovered it made his butt look fat. While he was talking to Mine, he noticed some incriminating pictures on the computer, still turned on. Surprisingly though, they weren't of Kagura and him. It was of Kisa and Momiji peacefully sleeping together.**

**author's note- sleeping together here just means that they're asleep in the **

**same bed. Nothing more.**

"Awwww! So cute." Ritsu mused as he clicked through the photos. He wondered why Ayame had them and when they were taken when he saw something that made him scream. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

"What the heck is wrong with you!" Kagura screamed back as she raced toward the computer, stepped over Ritsu, who was lying on the floor hyperventilating, and glanced at the screen. She then screamed "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!" and passed out promptly. Mine walked through the door, saw the two of them sleeping peacefully and decided not to wake them up. She snuck past them and went into the next room. When Ritsu woke up he couldn't remember all that had happened. He vaguely remembered looking at Ayaa's computer and screaming loudly. Kagura couldn't remember either, so after a glass of refreshing grape juice that was conveniently beside the computer, they viewed the screen. They both screamed again but didn't pass out. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"My hair was a mess! How could I not have noticed!" asked Kagura. After a lot more screaming and grape juice the two turned off the computer and contemplated what to do. They walked around the store and thought and thought and thought. As they walked into the room next to the computer Kagura wondered out loud, "Hey, where is Mine-chan? Ayame wouldn't just leave the store without Mine-chan to look after it."

Ironically Mine turned a corner and appeared, much to the surprise of the couple. Before she could stop herself she careened into Ritsu and a monkey lay in front of her.

**"Monkey," Kagura muttered.**

**"Excuse me?"**

**"I SAID, monkey. Isn't he sooo adorable? Doesn't he just make you want a monkey of your own? He's so well-behaved and all." She picked up Ritsu and promptly started to cuddle him.**

**Mine cast an appraising eye at the grape juice. What had Aaya put in it this time? She didn't want to know.**

**Noticing Mine's gaze and the direction in which it was pointing, Kagura squealed, "Ooh! Grape juice!" and promptly drank the whole glass.**

**Mine sighed and left the premises. She really didn't want to be responsible for what happened next. Which, knowing the juunishi, could be anything.**

**Kagura continued to snuggle the little monkey. He was just sooo cute!**

**Her opinion of the monkey took a drastic turn for the worse with a 'poof' and a cloud of pink smoke. "EEEEEEK!"**

**Ritsu grabbed a skirt from one of the many racks and put it on. "What?"**

**Clearly whatever had been in the juice made Ritsu a lot more shameless.**

So there he was standing in front of a startled Kagura. And he was in a short flowery skirt.

'He had to grab the short one! All the other skirts around it are long and flowy but he had to see the short one. He looks ok in it though. NOOOOOOOOO bad thoughts! Bad Bad Bad! He looks like a male prostitute but he is wearing flowers. That does not work at all. But he does look………nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! I am not thinking like that!' Kagura screamed at herself before collapsing. Ritsu had no idea why she had fallen so he bent down to help her. This gave the man walking by the window a new point of view. But neither Ritsu nor Kagura noticed.

"Put on a different skirt!" Kagura pleaded.

"Make me." It was evident that the juice had been spiked and Ritsu was changing.

**"Well, at least put on a shirt or something. You look like a refugee from that Survivor convention last week."**

**Ritsu, having caught sight of himself in a mirror, didn't hear a word of it. He was too busy staring at his shirtless reflection.**

**Kagura waved a hand in front of his face. "Snap out of it, monkey-boy." Realizing he still was totally zoned out, she found an 'I love Survivor' T-shirt on the ground (clearly another Survivor convention refugee).**

**While she was jamming it over his head, he suddenly came out of his little trance. "I want more grape juice." Apparantly he had been reduced to the mentality of a three-year-old.**

**"Okay, monkey, we'll get you more grape juice," she coaxed. "There's a convenience store down the street. Now if you'll put on a different skirt, we'll go there."**

**Um, yeah, we kind of had to mess with the whole Mine thing to fit our purposes so it's a little inaccurate there.**

**By the way- the juice has caffeine in it.**


End file.
